This weekend we spent alot of time putting up family pictures from our little guys one year photo shoot. I loved looking through all the pictures again and choosing our favorites. Each one of those pictures reminds me just how blessed we are, so much more than I think we will ever truly understand.
As I was hanging the last of the pictures on the wall it hit me, the inevitable wave of grief associated with infertility. These waves just come, unannounced, and this one hit pretty hard. I'm not sure where it came from but the ache that left my hearth hurting and eyes filled with tears was so unexpected. Our pictures are beautiful but they just don't feel complete. We want so badly to give our little man a brother or sister, but it is completely out of our hands and our control. I wish it was as easy as just desiring to have another, but that's not the path God has for us. It's not that we are not content with one, but we long for more.
When I sat back and looked at the pictures I began to weep. I didn't ask to be put on this journey, but given the option, I wouldn't change a thing. God knows my heart and He know's it is healthy for me to grieve this loss. I guess it's like any other loss, the grief just comes in waves. I won't try to hide the reality that after 9 years it still hurts. He know's I will have days like this, I just continue to strive to glorify my Father through my pain. Thankfully just like waves come and go, so it is with grief, eventually the waters will calm.
Sometimes it's just hard...and that's okay.