I confess I am a blog reader. Whether it’s home décor, food, photography, devotionals, adoption, I read them all! Every now and then I stumble on a blog that deals more with the reality of life than the fun of hobby. This past week I happened upon two such blogs written by two moms of two very sick baby girls, one of which was born just 15 days after Jaedon. My heart has grown burdened reading the words of these brave moms. I cannot begin to imagine the heartache, pain and exhaustion these ladies are going through watching their babies suffer, and yet they continue to stand strong.
I admit, holding my precious healthy baby boy I have really been wrestling with the questions of why and the fear of the unknown. I've struggled with fear and anxiety in the past, surrendering to God before Jaedon was born that I didn't want to spend a day of his life being plagued by fear. But recently it seems motherhood and the reality of how deeply I love my child, has brought a whole new set of fears and the realization that Jaedon will not always be the baby boy who needs me for everything. I know that I cannot protect Jaedon from this world. I cannot keep him from feeling pain and heartache as he grows. I cannot heal health problems that Lord willing He will never deal with and yes someday I will have to let him go and grow into the man God has created him to be. I am excited to see what God has instore for him, but if I were completely honest, I'm scared.
As I was rocking Jaedon the other night I began to flash back to our time in the hospital after he was born. I remember how difficult it was being so uncertain of what God had in store, not knowing if we would be taking him home or if God had other plans. My thoughts automatically turned to the 2 blogging moms and their babies. I became overwhelmed with grief knowing they were not at home rocking their little ones like I was mine. I began asking God for peace, almost instantly He brought to mind Luke 12:27, "Consider the lilies, how they grow; they neither toil nor spin....”. I tried to continue praying but honestly could not speak another word; I just sat there as the words echoed over and over again in my mind.
After putting Jaedon to sleep I pulled out my bible and read the entire passage. It was not enough to read it; I needed to put Jaedon into this verse to really grasp what God was trying to tell me. I began to speak these words out loud:
And he said to me, “Therefore I tell you Heather, do not be anxious about Jaedons life, what he will eat, nor about his body, what you will put on him. For HIS life is more than food, and HIS body more than clothing. Consider the ravens: they neither sow nor reap, they have neither storehouse nor barn, and yet God feeds them. Of how much more value is Jaedon than the birds! And how will you being anxious(worried, gripped by fear) add a single hour to Jaedons span of life? If then you are not able to do as small a thing as that, why are you anxious about the rest? Consider the lilies, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass, which is alive in the field today, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, how much more will he clothe Jaedon, O you of little faith! And do not seek what you are to eat and what you are to drink, nor be worried. For all the nations of the world seek after these things, and your Father knows that Jaedon needs them. Instead, seek His kingdom, and these things will be added to Jaedon.
It was as if the reality of scripture screamed out “Jaedon belongs to God”!
We had nothing to do with Jaedon’s creation or his birth, Jaedon was truly a gift in every sense. Just as he was formed and created by an almighty God, he will always be the child of an almighty God. God has ordained the days of Jaedon’s life and nothing we do will change the path God has set him on. I am in love with my precious baby boy, but I cannot grasp how much deeper in love with him my Father is. Daily I am learning that it is not a matter of me protecting him from the world, sickness, disease, heartache, pain, etc., those things are out of my hands. My role as his mother is to love him, care for him, train him up in the word and teach him what it means to trust God. I want to be an example for Jaedon of a mommy who trust's God in all things, fear has no room in midst of one who fully trusts in the Lord.
I am not perfect, I will fail, but I trust God has put me in this role and will continue to teach me, silencing my heart with the word when I need to hear Him louder than my fears. The only reality I need to face is this, God chose us for Jaedon and Jaedon for us. I will always be his mommy that reality will never change!
The first night we had Jaedon he was just a little over 24 hours old. I was so scared! He was so precious, we had waited so long and yet I felt so inadequate to be called his mother. I remember so vividly sitting on the hospital bed asking God how to pray for this precious gift, that He might give me the words. Ask and you shall receive! God laid a passage from Numbers 6 on my heart, I began to pray what I could recall from scripture, adding Jaedon’s name in and a personal prayer at the end. Overwhelming peace flooded my heart almost if God were saying I will take care of you, trust me. Since that night we have prayed the same prayer over Jaedon as we put him to sleep each night, it is simply this:
"The Lord bless Jaedon and keep Jaedon. The Lord make His face to shine upon Jaedon, be gracious to him, turn His countenance toward him and give him peace. That Jaedon might grow to serve the Lord all the days of his life."
So why share this struggle publicly? I know I am not the only mom with these fears, but as a new mom I know how hard it is to admit when you are afraid. If you are such a mom my hope is that I might be able to encourage and pray for you as you trust God on this journey.