Things people say...

One day very soon I'm sure I will blog about the different things people have said to us over the years in regard to infertility and adoption.  Today I leave you with two that have been said to me a few times recently and I'm not going to lie, they hurt...

"So what about his real parents..." (speaking of our little man)


"You have a baby it's a little easier for you..." (speaking of the fact that we adopted a baby, as if that means our infertility disappears!)


Suffice it to say, sometimes you just have to practice grace...

Blessings!

A different kind of Good Friday...

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven...Ecclesiastes 3:1

A number of times in the past I've sat down to write this blog and the words never seem to make it from my heart to the page, but this year I feel confident to put down on paper what I feel in my heart.  I beg you to read this post in it's entirety...

As I approach this mothers day, I feel burdened and heartbroken, not the normal course for a mother.  I remember feeling this same burden just a year ago, my very first mothers day.  Sitting in church service, surrounded by mothers of all ages, I should have been overjoyed.  On the contrary, my eyes were filled with tears and my heart ached so deeply I couldn't breath as I recalled so many mothers days before this one.  When I should have been feeling joy I was burdened with anguish over those I knew desired so badly to be in the moment I had been given.  Seven years I waited, patiently for my time to celebrate, but I felt no sense of celebration.  

See infertility doesn't care if it's Mothers Day.  Infertility doesn't care how many times you have attempted and failed to conceive.  Infertility doesn't say bravo when you attend a friends baby shower or hold their new born baby in the hospital.  And infertility doesn't just go away when they place a baby in your arms.  This throne in the flesh is a constant reminder of what you cannot do and what you have no control over.  What is so seemingly easy for others is so painfully difficult for you.  Mother's Day is a reminder of what you desire, what you long for daily and wait for patiently.  And while you put on your best smile, mustering up every bit of strength you have to celebrate with the mothers you are blessed to know, you are quietly crying inside.  

I find myself asking the question: why if I have been blessed with a precious son do I still feel such a heavy weight?  I truly believe it's because God has called us to carry the weight of one another burdens.  By recalling to memory the seven years prior to our little ones adoption, the pain and anguish of infertility along with three failed adoption process', God is helping me to remember their are those who are still struggling.  Many of them close friends and family members.  That's not to say this burden should take away the celebration of the great blessing God has given me in my son, nor should it diminish the joy I have in being a mother.  Rather it is a matter of reverence for me personally.  Because I still struggle with the pain of infertility myself, there are parts of Mother's Day that will forever remain a silent painful struggle.  It is a thorn in my flesh, however I choose to see this thorn as Paul chose to see his:

Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.  Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.  But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. ” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Please do not misunderstand me, I DO NOT for a moment believe the thorn of infertility is a messenger from Satan nor do I believe I have even a muster of strength as great as Paul, but I do believe God has put this into our lives personally so that His power, His plan, His purpose and His glory might be displayed in our life.  Without this thorn we would not have our beautiful precious son!  Without this thorn we would not have met the precious young woman who gave birth to our son.  Without this thorn we would not have been able to give a voice to those orphans who cannot speak.  Without this thorn we would not have been able to minister to so many other hurting couple's.  And most importantly without this thorn we would not be the same believers we are today.  Because of this...All the more gladly I WILL delight in this weakness, for when I am WEAK, then I am strong.

So in preparation for this Mother's Day I have decided to observe a "Good Friday" of sorts.  Around Easter we observe Good Friday to remember the sacrifice Jesus made when He died on the cross for our sins.  This is in NO way to be anything like that, but it is a day I am setting aside to remember and pray for those who share this thorn in the flesh.  If you have those in your life who share this struggle I would greatly encourage you to pray along with me.  Here are just a few ways I will be praying:

For Couples who struggle with infertility - For peace, comfort and strength to continue on.  For a sense of God's presence to know they are not forgotten.  For great assurance that they are fearfully and wonderfully made.  For confidence that they are nothing less than God designed them to be.  For laughter to replace tears, joy to replace heartache and mourning to be turned into dancing.  For peaceful guidance to make Godly decisions on the direction they should go.  For understanding and grace for those who don't understand or say the wrong things.  For understanding and grace for one another, to grow closer through this journey.  For the Lord to show Himself in mighty ways.  

I pray as we approach Mother's Day that we might be sensitive to all those who struggle with what should be a day of great joy.  Not just for those dealing with infertility, but those dealing with miscarriage or the loss of a child, for those who have lost their mothers, for the sacrifice of those PRECIOUS birthmothers and for all the babies just waiting for a Mommy of their own.  May our hearts be burdened for one another.

Blessings!

Sometimes it's just hard...

This weekend we spent alot of time putting up family pictures from our little guys one year photo shoot.  I loved looking through all the pictures again and choosing our favorites.  Each one of those pictures reminds me just how blessed we are, so much more than I think we will ever truly understand.
As I was hanging the last of the pictures on the wall it hit me, the inevitable wave of grief associated with infertility.  These waves just come, unannounced, and this one hit pretty hard.  I'm not sure where it came from but the ache that left my hearth hurting and eyes filled with tears was so unexpected.  Our pictures are beautiful but they just don't feel complete.  We want so badly to give our little man a brother or sister, but it is completely out of our hands and our control.  I wish it was as easy as just desiring to have another, but that's not the path God has for us.  It's not that we are not content with one, but we long for more.
When I sat back and looked at the pictures I began to weep.  I didn't ask to be put on this journey, but given the option, I wouldn't change a thing.  God knows my heart and He know's it is healthy for me to grieve this loss.  I guess it's like any other loss, the grief just comes in waves.  I won't try to hide the reality that after 9 years it still hurts.  He know's I will have days like this, I just continue to strive to glorify my Father through my pain.  Thankfully just like waves come and go, so it is with grief, eventually the waters will calm.

Sometimes it's just hard...and that's okay.

January...gone but not forgotten

What a month it has been.  January came with a hopeful sense of excitement, we were ready for the big move and the beginning of a new chapter in a new place.  We looked forward in anticipation of what God had ahead.  What we didn't realize was January would put us through some of the most heart wrenching moments of life.

The majority of the first week was spent packing away and saying goodbyes to dear dear friends.  Saying goodbye once is difficult enough, saying goodbye a second time is borderline unbearable.  We are blessed with some of the best friends, which makes parting even harder.  They are our greatest encouragement, but the look in their eyes as you say goodbye says it all.  Within days of arriving back from Christmas break in Texas our moving pods were delivered.  We loaded them up and moved into a good friends home for what we thought would be a matter of 2 or 3 days before our departure to NY.  

The day we moved out of our rental home tragedy hit our family hard.  My husband lost his older brother in a terrible car accident.  There is nothing in this world that can prepare you for a loss of this kind.  My heart aches terribly every time I replay that day over in my mind, I pray with time that too will heal.  We walked through several dark days beside my mother and father in law, brother in law, our nieces and nephew as well as a whole host of extended family.  I knew I married a man of great strength, I never realized just how great that strength was until this trial.  He was a rock for his family, even in the midst of his own grief.  I, on the other hand, only know how to deal with these moments by doing whatever needs to be done, meals, cleaning, errands, phone calls, etc.  I wish I could say it was a servants heart, but I know if I were honest it's because the moment I stop I fall to pieces.  I'm sure one of these days I will blog about watching a mother loose a son or a child loose a parent, for now I can only formulate one words, "Tragic".  

We adjusted our moving plans to be with family through the funeral.  In the midst of the pain God held our family close.  Our little guy was a constant source of joy through the heartache, I can truly see how God uses children in the midst of sorrow to bring joy.  We are grateful to have had friends to stay with during this time who were a sounding board, a daily comfort and a warm cozy place to sleep each night, as our belongings headed to NY.  What we thought would be a matter of days turned into a week, I can't recall much, those days just seem like a blur.

There are so many other situations that happened prior to our leaving that I cannot share in a public format, but ones that caused a good deal of pain.  As we left NM I felt as though I was looking back on a minefield of heartache the enemy had so strategically planted and one thought came to mind:

"God MUST have something HUGE ahead for us"    

It seems so many times when we know God has big plans in front of us we fail to remember that the bigger Gods plan the more relentless the enemy's attacks against us.  We drop our guard because all around us it seems everything is so positive and exciting.  For us this past month was no exception.  Our decision to move was out of an obedience to go where the Lord was calling.  The moment we said yes we threw the door wide open to both the excitement of what lay ahead and the trails that would attempt to prevent God's plan from completion.

In the midst of the heartache and pain, God's hand was so prevalent.  I believe it is impart to the prayers of so many of you.   We were blessed to have church family and friends in New Mexico who took such great care of us, helping with meals, childcare, funeral arrangements and generally just loving on us.  And how we have been blessed beyond measure by our new church family in New York.  Not only were prayers being lifted for us by our students and church staff, but the outpouring of love when we arrived continues to warm my heart.  We have moved to a beautiful place to serve an amazing group of people!

So January you are now gone, but certainly not forgotten.

Many Blessings,
hj