To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven...Ecclesiastes 3:1
A number of times in the past I've sat down to write this blog and the words never seem to make it from my heart to the page, but this year I feel confident to put down on paper what I feel in my heart. I beg you to read this post in it's entirety...
As I approach this mothers day, I feel burdened and heartbroken, not the normal course for a mother. I remember feeling this same burden just a year ago, my very first mothers day. Sitting in church service, surrounded by mothers of all ages, I should have been overjoyed. On the contrary, my eyes were filled with tears and my heart ached so deeply I couldn't breath as I recalled so many mothers days before this one. When I should have been feeling joy I was burdened with anguish over those I knew desired so badly to be in the moment I had been given. Seven years I waited, patiently for my time to celebrate, but I felt no sense of celebration.
See infertility doesn't care if it's Mothers Day. Infertility doesn't care how many times you have attempted and failed to conceive. Infertility doesn't say bravo when you attend a friends baby shower or hold their new born baby in the hospital. And infertility doesn't just go away when they place a baby in your arms. This throne in the flesh is a constant reminder of what you cannot do and what you have no control over. What is so seemingly easy for others is so painfully difficult for you. Mother's Day is a reminder of what you desire, what you long for daily and wait for patiently. And while you put on your best smile, mustering up every bit of strength you have to celebrate with the mothers you are blessed to know, you are quietly crying inside.
I find myself asking the question: why if I have been blessed with a precious son do I still feel such a heavy weight? I truly believe it's because God has called us to carry the weight of one another burdens. By recalling to memory the seven years prior to our little ones adoption, the pain and anguish of infertility along with three failed adoption process', God is helping me to remember their are those who are still struggling. Many of them close friends and family members. That's not to say this burden should take away the celebration of the great blessing God has given me in my son, nor should it diminish the joy I have in being a mother. Rather it is a matter of reverence for me personally. Because I still struggle with the pain of infertility myself, there are parts of Mother's Day that will forever remain a silent painful struggle. It is a thorn in my flesh, however I choose to see this thorn as Paul chose to see his:
Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. ” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Please do not misunderstand me, I DO NOT for a moment believe the thorn of infertility is a messenger from Satan nor do I believe I have even a muster of strength as great as Paul, but I do believe God has put this into our lives personally so that His power, His plan, His purpose and His glory might be displayed in our life. Without this thorn we would not have our beautiful precious son! Without this thorn we would not have met the precious young woman who gave birth to our son. Without this thorn we would not have been able to give a voice to those orphans who cannot speak. Without this thorn we would not have been able to minister to so many other hurting couple's. And most importantly without this thorn we would not be the same believers we are today. Because of this...All the more gladly I WILL delight in this weakness, for when I am WEAK, then I am strong.
So in preparation for this Mother's Day I have decided to observe a "Good Friday" of sorts. Around Easter we observe Good Friday to remember the sacrifice Jesus made when He died on the cross for our sins. This is in NO way to be anything like that, but it is a day I am setting aside to remember and pray for those who share this thorn in the flesh. If you have those in your life who share this struggle I would greatly encourage you to pray along with me. Here are just a few ways I will be praying:
For Couples who struggle with infertility - For peace, comfort and strength to continue on. For a sense of God's presence to know they are not forgotten. For great assurance that they are fearfully and wonderfully made. For confidence that they are nothing less than God designed them to be. For laughter to replace tears, joy to replace heartache and mourning to be turned into dancing. For peaceful guidance to make Godly decisions on the direction they should go. For understanding and grace for those who don't understand or say the wrong things. For understanding and grace for one another, to grow closer through this journey. For the Lord to show Himself in mighty ways.
I pray as we approach Mother's Day that we might be sensitive to all those who struggle with what should be a day of great joy. Not just for those dealing with infertility, but those dealing with miscarriage or the loss of a child, for those who have lost their mothers, for the sacrifice of those PRECIOUS birthmothers and for all the babies just waiting for a Mommy of their own. May our hearts be burdened for one another.